Sunday, September 14, 2008


a concussion

the story is long. the punchline? GOOD.

"I woke up on the bathroom floor in a fetal ball. My head was covered with blue hairdye, and it looked like I had killed an entire Smurf army to make it so."

Aelred promptly informed me that he was not responsible. Also, that he had not died my hair in revenge; that he had been sleeping. Also? that it was not his fault. Given that he's the reason I was angrily dying my hair at midnight when I slipped, fell, cracked my skull on something porcelain and hard and laid unconscious on the floor for ???:???

Well, the devil IS in the details. And I was the one who had moved the rugs for the demolition. You don't know this, but I can hear Betsy and my little sister, and probably anyone who has EVER lived with me cackling. From here.

These are not the first smurfs I have killed in pursuit of fashion. Also, still trying to be Ariel from the Little Mermaid after all these years. HAVE FUN WITH THAT, FREUD.


At 14 I achieved Princess Leia cinnamon bun hair. At 18 I cried over Queen Amidala's hair because IT WOULD BE SO HARD. This is at the same time I cried joyful tears over her costumes. At 15 I was that lady? from Dune? the father of the main character guy? oh, this is so embarrassing. I just re-read this over the winter. The wife of Lord Atreides? the important one! arggggggh! I was her for Halloween. For fun.

This presupposed the year when I went as an English princess separated at birth from my twin sister, Suzy (hi!) I was raised in Ottoman Byzantine. She, not so neither. I bared my BELLY at school for ART AND I WAS BUSTED and Gillis King gave me his button down shirt to "cover up my nekkid belly" and the tough girls told me to take it right back off again and fuck the administration.

I think I did, actually, if memory serves me right. 'cause I think that last day at school? October 31st, 1999? Was A HELL OF A WAY TO GO OUT WITH A BANG and to say to all the fuckers who dumped me because I wouldn't screw them YOU WILL NEVER GET THIS NOW, NOT EVER EVEN IF YOU TRY. THIS IS MINE AND IT IS PRECIOUS AND GO ROT IN HELL YOU HORRIBLE MEN. yeah. if you think I'm crazy now? imagine me before I was permitted martinis and cigarettes. imagine me ON FIRE FOR GOD because I DID LOVE JESUS, YES I DID.

And to this day? I haven't had Bill-Clinton-style relations with anyone from that high school. Although I did have to stop and think, and not for lack of opportunity or offers. I wrote some of them pretty poetry. Yes, you. you went away to Dartmouth and never came back.

And you? You came out gay and now I'm not allowed to kiss you. *sigh* You asked permission to kiss me more; but you're still an asshole and there are rules. You did leave me for EASY WOMEN IN MUNCIE INDIANA, just SAYING. I DON'T THINK IT REFLECTS WELL ON YOU.

ALSO DID I TELL YOU? THERE IS GOD THERE. although i cried about the Spanish Inquisition and mistranslations of key scriptures from Greek and Aramaic and Hebrew and I cried about the Crusades and I cried about the Salem Witch Trials and I FELT SO MUCH GUILT FOR THE SINS OF MY FATHERS. The church didn't quite know what to do with me. I think, burning at the stake was illegal in Minnesota at the time, also, in Indiana. (just barely) (they still do it in Kentucky, shhhhh).

I also cried, because I DIDN'T THINK GANDHI WENT TO HELL. I didn't think he did.AND I DIDN'T THINK that holocaust survivors Were GOING TO HELL EITHER. That was just not fair. not fair not fair not fair.

I believed in fair.

law 1 of metaphysics, as we understand them today: if there is a god, she doesn't care very much. thank you, to phd gallery on cherokee. thank you, thank you. I LAUGHED SO HARDE.

I believed in VIGILANTE JUSTICE. I believed in Luke Skywalker and the Force. I BELIEVED IN SUPERHEROES. I believed in PETER PAN AND TINKERBELL. I believed. I clapped for fairies. I BELIEVED IN PRINCE CHARMING. I believed in the Wicked Witch and I believed in red shoes and I BELIEVED IN HAPPY ENDINGS.

I was a brown coat before they invented brown coats. browncoat? let's just say that WHEN dearest ninja_turbo called me Enara in my Serenity household Casa di Oakenfold -- that was the NICEST THING anyone has said to me, oh, in ... since I was 17. And Kofi, he said I resembled 4th Book Hermione. Still booksmart and aggravating and TOTALLY THE TEACHER'S PET but not half so bad as she was in books 1-3. It was awfully nice of him. It made me love him for many years. No one said nice things to me that summer at all. I sorted a lot of rotten potatoes and I rolled a lot of lonely baguette and I nursed the most broken heart of all:

watching what you want being destroyed by something else. someone else.

Austin Graves, are you there? Internet, he graduated from GRINNEL or at least he went to school there. And studied. something. Like FRENCH. Also, I loved him with my whole heart. EVERY LAST OUNCE OF A CATHOLIC METHODIST PURITAN REPRESSED SECKRIT MERMAID PRINCESS.

I, of course, was a lion about it. I never told him. I never kissed him. Not that I remember, at least, and that was before I forgot pain by drinking. That was back when I refused weed and alcohol. I was a product of DARE and I did indeed believe in what they told me. It took years of careful education before mumble mumble mumble. ahem? oh, censorship. did you know big brother is watching? you and you and you?

I have been avoiding thinking for too long. I have been hiding. From you. From me. From memory. From my parents. From my family.

Alley Olly ox-en-free!

come out, wherever you are.

because I am. and my friend went and told the kinsey institute all about it. so thar. I know! she at least hid my name all up with numbers. reallzy! it's like I am a fancy human being.

or at least someone meriting your attention. AND WE ALL KNOW THAT GEEKY GIRLS WITH LOW SELF ESTEEM SOME MORNINGS NEED LOTS OF ATTENTION AND LOVE otherwise they melt.

like sugar in rain.
like the witch.
like salt.
they're like meat without salt.

meet without salt. that was my favrit, y'know. cap'orushes? i knew all the variants.

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